How to Heal Your Pain

Pain is not something I ever thought I would write about, maybe a little bit at some point, but I never thought that I would have this much to say until my understanding of my own pain finally came full-circle and I was able to not only understand it all, but also articulate it in a way that other’s could understand.  Sometimes, as much as I ‘get’ or ‘understand’ something, it takes a bit of time and self-reflection in order to articulate it.  When I was taking a look at my own pain, it took me some time to really understand what I was actually doing to myself.  I kept thinking “Is there some kind of event that was so bad that I suppressed it until I forgot about it?  What was it that happened to me?”  I kept thinking that there HAD to have been something that happened and I kept racking my brain and something that I had been carrying with me ever since that made me into who I am today.  This was not the case though.  I just couldn’t see my pain for what it truly was, I was using ‘but’ as a way to invalidate my pain and this is why it took so long for me to finally recognize what I was doing!  The mind is such a trickster!

We all have pain.  Picture your pain and how you deal with it as on a scale.  1 through 10.  Rather than choosing a number based upon the severity of a pain, picture one end as Ignorance and the other end as Victim.  1 is Ignorance and 10 is Victim.
On one end of the scale we have ignorance.  How many painful things have you gone through in your life and thought “well someone else has it worse than me” – or a similar quote.  What is that phrase doing for you to help you dive into your pain?  What does comparing your pain to another’s pain do to recognize your pain as painful to you?  Is this a way that you choose to ignore your pain?
It is pushing your pain aside and says, my pain is not valid therefore, I should not feel this way. It is rejection of your pain and therefore, rejection of self.  It gets pushed aside and pushed down further and further into suppression.  Acknowledge it, validate it, and feel grateful for what you do have and your circumstances without using someone else as a comparison.  Use your own life as one, picture your life after a natural disaster or some kind of event where you lost something that you take for granted every day instead of comparing your pain to someone else’s.  Using others to compare is seeing their situation through your perspective. And each perspective is different.  

Someone who has lived their whole life as a wealthy person, picture a big mansion, a billion dollar house, with everything you could ever want inside and outside of it.  Now picture that mansion being replaced with even just a 1 million dollar house.  This would feel painful to the person experiencing it, even though most of us would think “that’s not a big deal, I would be happy to have what they have.”  You cannot compare your pain to someone else’s pain in this way without rejecting your pain, abandoning your pain, and rejecting and abandoning yourself.  There is no need to judge your pain.  Your pain is YOUR pain.
Another form of ignorance is ‘but’. But = disconnection.  Inserting ‘but’ when thinking about your pain or going through something painful as a way to avoid your pain and reject it.  As a way to invalidate it.  It looks like this:

“My Dad beat me a few times BUT he didn’t always do that to me, most of the time he was hands-off.”

This is another way to invalidate your pain, escape from it, reject it and push it aside as if you should not feel this way. There is a comparison here too in comparing usual behavior to seldom behavior.
Two questions that you can ask yourself are, Did it happen? Yes.  Was it painful? Yes.  That’s all.  There is no need to go any further than this.  It was something that happened and it was something that you felt pain from – that is all that matters.  Putting ‘but’ into your pain is only a way to disconnect from your pain.

In the game of either THIS BUT THAT – you will be faced with three choices.  One choice is to recognize the THIS and another choice is to recognize the THAT.  The third choice is to recognize the THIS and the THAT and validate the THIS.  However, what typically happens when we put ‘but’ into the equation is that we are LOOKING for something to invalidate the THIS – we are looking for something to invalidate the pain and this is why the ‘but’ is used in the first place.  We realize the THIS part and we focus on the THAT part, and due to the THAT, the THIS is not valid.  In the example, the “My Dad beat me a few times” is the THIS and “he didn’t always do that to me, most of the time he was hands-off” is the THAT.

So why invalidate this pain?  Why not give yourself the credit and acknowledge that yes this happened and yes this was painful?  You’ll gain a better understanding of yourself when you do this.

Maybe a beating wasn’t the case. Maybe he did something that was just a bit more than a light spank here and there. Or maybe it was emotional abuse. Again, ask yourself the two questions.  Did it happen?  Yes.  Was it painful?  Yes. That’s all you need to ask yourself. There’s no reason to use ‘but’ as a way to shove this pain aside and invalidate it. Reject your pain and you reject you!  ‘But’ can be used along with comparing your pain to others’ pain.  Usually it does play at least a minor role.

Think of it this way. You wouldn’t get slapped across the face and knocked off your feet and say it didn’t hurt right? Regardless of who did it. This is what you do every time you invalidate your pain and reject it. The two questions are all you need to ask yourself and don’t give yourself more reasons to shove it aside by inserting ‘but’ into the equation. It hurt, therefore you felt pain. Nothing can invalidate this pain besides you!  It doesn’t always have to be the word ‘but’ specifically.  Any word that distracts from the initial THIS to invalidate it and focus on the THAT can be used.  Any way to distract yourself from the THIS as a way to say that this pain you felt is not valid and you shouldn’t feel this way.

This is why the whole power of positivity movement is hokey pokey. Sometimes when I’m in a rut I get stuck in that hokey pokey mentality. But I turn myself around 😏. Trying to always be positive totes 💯 is another way to ignore your pain. There is always good with the bad and bad with the good. Balance is key.  Focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative is simply pushing that painful negative aspect aside and again rejecting the pain, invalidating it, and pretending that it does not exist.  Plus, it’s not authentic.  When we reject this part of ourselves and push positivity, we’re not being authentic and in our true state of being in that moment.
On the other hand of the scale there is victim mentality. Acknowledging pain but disregarding ones own power to do something about that pain. Making someone else responsible for that pain. Are they the cause of it? Could be, in a sense. But are they the ones responsible for the way you deal with it and where you go from there after experiencing the pain? Absolutely not.  Different circumstances are going to arise throughout our lives. It is our choice on how we respond to it. It is our choice to give ourselves the power to do something. If you expect someone or something else to fix your circumstances for you, you will find yourself in a vicious circle of constantly re-living your pain. Nothing will meet your expectations. When one thing pops up and gets resolved, another thing will pop up and you will replay this mentality over and over. Realize the power that you hold solely within yourself to change. Blame and being in a state of blame is victim mentality.  
Stay in the middle of the scale. Recognize the pain, validate it, understand every angle of the pain,  don’t judge it, recognize the power that you have within you in your pain, and be present. Your pain is your cocoon.  You can either never enter the transformational stage, you can forever stay inside of it, or you can allow it to serve its purpose in your life and transform you into beauty.  There is always a lesson inside of the pain, ask yourself what this pain might be teaching within you.  Go there.  Rather than point to outside of you, start pointing within and see where you may have been a party to causing this pain.  Grow, learn.

Check out my blog’s Facebook page and Pursue You Coaching Facebook page for more information and join my Facebook Group or contact me at for a FREE 30 minute session. You can also check out my YouTube Channel: Pursue You Coaching

Published by Pursue You

Life, Relationship, and Spiritual Coach. I also coach soul connections such as twin flames and soulmates.

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