What does the word dynamic mean to you as it relates to connection? Your connection to other people? Most people would define it with definitions that connect one person’s actions causing another persons actions. This is not the case. Dynamic in connection is the/a state of being that co-exists and interacts with another state of being. It is not cause and effect from outside of self. It is cause and effect within one’s self. Dynamic isn’t how one person treats another person, and the other person reacting to how they are being treated. Dynamic is how one person treats themselves, and how that effects how they treat other people.
Have you ever had a friend that went through a bad breakup? Where one person thinks they were in the “right” – – but so does the other person? But how could that be? How could BOTH people be in the “right?” Yeah, you’ll see one person’s friends supporting their side, and the other person’s friends supporting the other side. Both sides will say “you are such a good person, you deserve better.” Both sides will say “OMG they are such an asshole” about the other person. How does this come to be though? How is it that both people are seen as “good” people? It all comes down to the dynamic within the relationship. You could have an amazing dynamic with one person, and a completely opposite dynamic with another. Some would call this connection, however, in this context, connection is separate from dynamic although the terms can be used interchangeably.
How do you treat yourself? What is the thought process that goes on in your head on a day-to-day basis? How is that thought process reflected outward into reality? Are you being truthful with yourself? How do you know that you’re being truthful with yourself? The way that you treat yourself is the basis for the dynamics within your relationships. This is why most people find themselves repeating patterns in their relationships. The pattern is there to teach you something about yourself. The relationships that you have with others are going to mirror back to you what you already do to yourself, whether it is conscious or unconscious.
If you do not have good self-esteem, for example, you will attract people who may be the same way as you. They might express it differently, but it will be reflected back to you in one way or another. People who have low self esteem and maybe some abandonment issues could find themselves only being successful in relationships that would be self-described as “clingy” – even though this is not the kind of relationship that they want. They want their freedom in a relationship, but the only relationships they tend to feel “loved” in are the “clingy” relationships due to the fact that they do not feel loved unless someone is being clingy! It sounds like this, “I want someone that will just let me have my own freedom, but I will not allow myself to have it because I will tell myself that the other person does not care about me unless they are clingy.” To that person, to be loved is to experience the cling! Without someone being clingy, they will feel unsure about how the other person feels about them. It is not always conscious to the person that is experiencing it. This kind of dynamic likely won’t last very long depending on severity, and if it does, it isn’t going to be a very satisfying relationship. You will have two people with abandonment issues and self esteem issues, and each of them are attempting to come into a relationship to fill those holes that are abandonment and self-love. It’s co-dependency. Some cases it could be more extreme than others. You cannot expect someone else to change something that begins within yourself. Inner conflict and issues cannot be healed through outer means. The outer can help, however, when you take away your own power to change something within yourself, you become dependent on the other person to fill that void for you. If that person does not fill that void
Each person will complain about things that the other person did or did not do for them, but that person is not even giving themselves what they want someone else to give them. Thus they may place a certain label on the other person, call them “this” or “that.”
The dynamic of your relationships will be based off of how you treat yourself, and how the other person treats themselves. The relationship dynamic is not how the other person treats you and how you react to that treatment. If you find yourself in some kind of conflict in relationship, the first step is to take a look at yourself in the mirror and question how you show up for yourself and how that dictates how you show up within that dynamic. You can’t change someone else, the only person you can change is yourself. And, find some empathy. See that we are all human. We all have similar wants, feelings, and needs. They just get expressed in different ways. Stop calling all of your ex’s narcissists and find some compassion and understanding. Odds are, that is not the case that they are a true narcissist. Even still, everyone has issues, everyone has a shadow self caused by trauma from their past. Learn to forgive. Not everyone has bad intentions.
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