I have been thinking about this recently. How can one take accountability for one’s own self, but at the same time avoid negative self-talk and putting self down? I asked myself what the difference was, where is the “cutoff” – when does taking account for yourself turn into negative self-talk and putting yourself down?
What does self-blame look like? Self-blame is a constant circle of negative self talk and “fault.” Self blame brings us down. Self-blame causes guilt and shame. Self-blame is the reason that some people can exhibit excessive type of behaviors (like over-doing something, or people pleasing). Self-blame does not take into account anything other than the negative. Self-blame is based in the past.
Self-blame looks like this:
“This is all my fault.”
“I hate and don’t like myself, I wish I was someone else.”
“Toxic people come into my life no matter what I do.”
“Everything I do backfires, there is no point in trying.”
“I did ___________, so I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“I hurt someone, I am a bad person. A really bad person, I don’t deserve anything good in this world.”
“I failed at __________, I don’t deserve to have [insert something good].”
“I know I am responsible for my own emotions, but I can’t be successful in my inner progress.”
“I know that I could do ___________, but I can’t get past the wound in me to allow myself to do it, I will fail in all aspects.”
“I know it is my fault that I have not made the inner progress that I want to make, and I am disappointed in myself because I am not yet where I want to be.”
“I think I [insert something that you think that another person experiences as bad], I am not worthy of experiencing a connection with this person because of it.”
“I can’t heal my abandonment wounds, I will fail. This makes me sad because I need to get past this pain in order to get what I want in life, but I can’t, I won’t.”
“I feel ashamed that I ____________.”
“I feel ashamed that I _____________. I know that I am responsible for this shame that I feel, but I still feel it, and now I am sad because I can’t seem to get myself out from this shame.”
Self-blame is the rejection of your state of being in the present moment through negative self talk that persists. Self-blame leaves you feeling drained and with a low sense of self. It will keep you on the hamster wheel of self-sabotage. Self-blame is “being hard on yourself.” Do you see how this is about the past? It stems from the past, and it brings the past into the present moment in a way that prevents us from changing our present state of being. It is bringing the past into the present, constantly.
Self-accountability on the other hand, takes acceptance into account. Self-accountability is being aware of your responsibility to yourself, but also in a state of acceptance of your state of being in the present moment, allowing moments of self-blame to be felt and tendered to, but not persist. Self-accountability is taking responsibility for self without rejection. Acceptance and the present moment are key here. Self-accountability can take the past into consideration, but it focuses on the present and it uses the present moment to bring peace rather than pain.
Self-accountability looks like this:
“I know I did something bad in the past, I cannot go back and change what I did. I know that I am responsible for the feelings I have as a result of this. What I can change is how I feel here and now. I know that I deserve to be happy and that I do deserve good things in life, I am aware that I subconsciously hold the opposite belief but I am working on this and I am at peace with my progress.”
“I feel ashamed that I ________________. I know that I am responsible for this shame, and I still feel it, but I will not allow myself to continue on with the same thoughts that will prevent me from getting out of this state of being. I am working on getting my peace back, and although I am not quite there yet, I am accepting where I am at with this in the present moment.”
“I know that I am not where I want to be yet in my journey back to myself, and I am at peace with my progress and continue to work and grow further.”
“I am working on healing my abandonment wounds. I have made a lot of progress so far, but the old thought patterns still creep up on me from time to time. Instead of jumping back onto that hamster wheel, I observe and let go and let be and get my peace back. I want to be in a better position, but I a am at peace with where I am at in my inner work right now.”
“I have some unlearning and relearning to do.”
“I work to become conscious of my patterns without judgment.”
“I am actively re-parenting myself to create new relationships.”
“Who ‘I am’ is a perception based on my conditioning.”
Accountability requires awareness. Without the awareness of your self-rejection, there is no room for acceptance.
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This sounds a little like the difference between the accusations from the devil and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. They both deal with past sin, but there’s a way to tell the difference: The Holy Spirit will tell you what to do now, and the devil will just leave you wallowing in self-loathing. At least that has been my experience.
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