The Difference Between Self-Blame and Self-Accountability

I have been thinking about this recently.  How can one take accountability for one’s own self, but at the same time avoid negative self-talk and putting self down?  I asked myself what the difference was, where is the “cutoff” – when does taking account for yourself turn into negative self-talk and putting yourself down?

What does self-blame look like?  Self-blame is a constant circle of negative self talk and “fault.”  Self blame brings us down.  Self-blame causes guilt and shame.  Self-blame is the reason that some people can exhibit excessive type of behaviors (like over-doing something, or people pleasing).  Self-blame does not take into account anything other than the negative.  Self-blame is based in the past. 

Self-blame looks like this:

“This is all my fault.”

“I hate and don’t like myself, I wish I was someone else.”

“Toxic people come into my life no matter what I do.”

“Everything I do backfires, there is no point in trying.”

“I did ___________, so I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“I hurt someone, I am a bad person.  A really bad person, I don’t deserve anything good in this world.”

“I failed at __________, I don’t deserve to have [insert something good].” 

“I know I am responsible for my own emotions, but I can’t be successful in my inner progress.”

“I know that I could do ___________, but I can’t get past the wound in me to allow myself to do it, I will fail in all aspects.”

“I know it is my fault that I have not made the inner progress that I want to make, and I am disappointed in myself because I am not yet where I want to be.”

“I think I [insert something that you think that another person experiences as bad], I am not worthy of experiencing a connection with this person because of it.”

“I can’t heal my abandonment wounds, I will fail.  This makes me sad because I need to get past this pain in order to get what I want in life, but I can’t, I won’t.”

“I feel ashamed that I ____________.”

“I feel ashamed that I _____________.  I know that I am responsible for this shame that I feel, but I still feel it, and now I am sad because I can’t seem to get myself out from this shame.”

Self-blame is the rejection of your state of being in the present moment through negative self talk that persists.  Self-blame leaves you feeling drained and with a low sense of self.  It will keep you on the hamster wheel of self-sabotage.  Self-blame is “being hard on yourself.”  Do you see how this is about the past?  It stems from the past, and it brings the past into the present moment in a way that prevents us from changing our present state of being.  It is bringing the past into the present, constantly.

Self-accountability on the other hand, takes acceptance into account.  Self-accountability is being aware of your responsibility to yourself, but also in a state of acceptance of your state of being in the present moment, allowing moments of self-blame to be felt and tendered to, but not persist.  Self-accountability is taking responsibility for self without rejection.  Acceptance and the present moment are key here.  Self-accountability can take the past into consideration, but it focuses on the present and it uses the present moment to bring peace rather than pain.

Self-accountability looks like this:

“I know I did something bad in the past, I cannot go back and change what I did.  I know that I am responsible for the feelings I have as a result of this.  What I can change is how I feel here and now.  I know that I deserve to be happy and that I do deserve good things in life, I am aware that I subconsciously hold the opposite belief but I am working on this and I am at peace with my progress.”

“I feel ashamed that I ________________.  I know that I am responsible for this shame, and I still feel it, but I will not allow myself to continue on with the same thoughts that will prevent me from getting out of this state of being.  I am working on getting my peace back, and although I am not quite there yet, I am accepting where I am at with this in the present moment.”

“I know that I am not where I want to be yet in my journey back to myself, and I am at peace with my progress and continue to work and grow further.”

“I am working on healing my abandonment wounds.  I have made a lot of progress so far, but the old thought patterns still creep up on me from time to time.  Instead of jumping back onto that hamster wheel, I observe and let go and let be and get my peace back.  I want to be in a better position, but I a am at peace with where I am at in my inner work right now.”

“I have some unlearning and relearning to do.”

“I work to become conscious of my patterns without judgment.”

“I am actively re-parenting myself to create new relationships.”

“Who ‘I am’ is a perception based on my conditioning.”

Accountability requires awareness. Without the awareness of your self-rejection, there is no room for acceptance. 

Check out my blog’s Facebook page and Pursue You Coaching Facebook page for more information and join my Facebook Group or contact me at pursueyoucoach@gmail.com for a FREE 30 minute session. You can also check out my website: https://pursueyou.org

Published by Pursue You

Life, Relationship, and Spiritual Coach. I also coach soul connections such as twin flames and soulmates.

3 thoughts on “The Difference Between Self-Blame and Self-Accountability

  1. This sounds a little like the difference between the accusations from the devil and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. They both deal with past sin, but there’s a way to tell the difference: The Holy Spirit will tell you what to do now, and the devil will just leave you wallowing in self-loathing. At least that has been my experience.

    Liked by 1 person

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